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[ website | ..::I Find There's Grace in My Mistakes...Somehow::.. ]
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Develop Amnesia [Oct. 12th, 2004|02:27 am]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Yeah so just forget whatever I wrote before. My roommate and I worked things out, and now I feel bad for everything I wrote before. No doubt I'll vent more in the future, but for the most part, we're doing ok. And Sarah, I WILL come see you! Keep reminding me so I won't forget!!
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Just another bad day [Oct. 9th, 2004|09:37 pm]
[mood |coldcold]

Crashing all around me
My hypocrisy tears at my stomach
Shredding any real emotion
Filling in the gaps
With hatred and sarcasm
Why do you have to be so annoying to me?
Why can’t I just accept you?
It’s not your fault
You are who you are
Don’t change
It’s hard to change also
Something holding back
Something ringing clear through the schism of my heart
I feel so alone
Though everyone’s around me
Standing amidst the crowd
Just another face
Waiting for the kill
Slaughter my being
Grind it through your expectations
And all you have
Is a misshaped muscle
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*Insert cliche, touchy feely phrase such as "there's always a silver lining in the cloud" here* =) [Sep. 29th, 2004|01:18 am]
[mood |gratefulgrateful]
[music |Undo Me-Jennifer Knapp]

Well... don't I feel like a big dummy. God heard me screaming and moaning and guess what? I really connected with someone on a spiritual level tonight. It was amazing! His name's Ryan. I felt like I could talk to him about everything that was on my mind spiritually. I haven't felt like that about anyone else. We're about on the same level. (If anything, he's way higher than me!) We talked for like an hour just about personal convictions and background of our churches and things like that and it just felt so good to just be open with someone. I mean I've been fairly open with my roommates but we both sort of come from similar church backgrounds and his parental figures (his dad is a pastor) is like my pastor back home. So I'm just praising God right now with my tail between my legs. Oh and things are going better with my roommates. I wrote the roommate I was having so much trouble with a letter and just poured out everything and then I talked to my lifegroup leader Kristin and she helped me a lot too. And now me and my roommate are basically fine! I need to learn how to bite my tongue with certain comments. I kinda screwed up with one little one tonight and even though I was joking I know it bothered her. I thank you God for teaching me so much and for finally allowing me to meet a person that I can talk to about my views and convictions. I've been wrapped up in my own selfish life that I couldn't see all the work that you're doing in me and in my life. Thank you God!
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by the way.. [Sep. 28th, 2004|09:48 am]
I'm not always mad. Lately I have been, but I still have another side to me. This is my venting journal. To read my upbeat journal, go to http://sweetsavior.blogspot.com Don't worry; I have two personalities ;)
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Estrogen Overdose [Sep. 28th, 2004|09:31 am]
[mood |nauseatednauseated]
[music |*insert some mean, thrashing, punching the air music here*]

So basically, my only outlet to how I feel is through writing and talking to AJ. I relate to no one here. I have no real friends. It's all fake.
What's so wrong with being honest? I mean, honesty to me is a number one quality. Instead, I achieve hatred through it. I say what I feel. If I feel like my roommates are switching guys each week, I'll say it. A 'flavor of the week' comment may be considered rude, but isn't it telling the truth? How do you distinguish between telling the truth and being downright mean? It's harder to tell the truth nicely when you dislike the person in the first place. When they act like they're all innocent one moment and then throw themselves at a guy the next (or so it seems). When they get all giggly if they do something with a guy who is 'just' their friend. When they act like frickin grade schoolers.
I can't adjust my attitude. It's so extremely difficult. I have such resentment toward this roommate. She's so just "Bam! Look at me!! I'm here world!!" while I'm like "Hey, what's up? Let me blend in with the wall now..." and it's like this constant competition. I'm sick of the estrogen. I've NEVER been a girly girl, and unfortunately I live with two of them who analyze every aspect of a conversation they have with a guy and act like it's a huge freaking deal. It gets so old. It was fine the first couple of weeks because it still seemed sort of like church camp, but now that I'm considering this my home, it is my biggest pet peeve of all. I mean, jeez, they're just guys and they're supposed to be JUST friends. But if you tell them one thing then act a different way, you're playing mind games. The ever-popular trend that most girls pull from their bag of tricks that makes me want to vomit. "Let's call up this guy and cry on his shoulder because my roommate was mean to me!"
I'm so in a 'screw the world' mood. Nothing has changed since last week. I still want to go home. I still hate it here, for the most part. My only halfway friend is my life group leader, Kristen. She's great, but I don't live with her, so I hardly ever see her.

"As the world of collegiate drama turns"....
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..... [Sep. 24th, 2004|12:06 am]
I don't know where I am anymore. I go about days and I'm fine until nighttime. It's like it all falls down at night. I can't lie to my pillow. I can't stop tears from falling. I can't hide the pain anymore. I don't want to be here. As each day grows, I miss my friends back home more and more. I'm taking it out on AJ. He's been so patient and I don't deserve him in the slightest. Sometimes I want to just completely flip out so he'll realize what a basket case he's dating and he'll finally wake up and realize I'm not worth all this trouble...cause I'm not. I'm an AWFUL person. I can't even freaking stand on my own two feet without someone holding me up. I'm so pathetic. This ugly, obsessive mess of emotion. I can't stop what i'm becoming. I'm becoming someone who just doesn't care anymore. I don't get a quiet time? Not a big deal. I don't pray? So what. That's how I feel. I know it sounds whiny and such right now, But my soul feels like it's been through a grater. I have no passion at all. I so want to just fall into the swing of the world. I don't care. That's really scary. But I can't even pray anymore. I don't want to, because I always fall into a pathetic pattern and I'm too ashamed to even talk to God. Because I always say "God, I want to follow you... God, I'm going to do things right this time..." then what do I do? OOps, there goes everything again. I may have a quiet time for a week or two and then it's back to the same old me.... the me that I truly am. Under all the cliche christian sayings, I'm a person that doesn't care about God in the slightest. I can't care about God and act like this. It's not possible. So I have this mask. Everyone thinks I'm this mature christian, but I'm really just a baby in adult clothes.

I don't know what to do. Yet again, I'm left clueless. I can't pray, I can't read my Bible...all because of me, myself, and the horrible person that I am. I wish I were better, but I'm not and everytime I try to do better it only gets worse. I want to shout at God "Okay, can you tighten the collar on the devil for just a freakin minute???" I have constant opposition and I'm not strong enough to withstand it. And I get sick of praying the daily prayer of "God, I want to follow you today" and everything. I feel like when I do that, it becomes ritualistic. Everything I try seems to fail, even when I try it within God. So I don't know where I am. Yet again, identity unsolved.
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every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end [Sep. 12th, 2004|04:27 pm]
I'm not going to even try to fill everyone in on what all has happened. I haven't posted in forever. College has been this twisted spinal cord of emotions. Excitement at first, stress, anger, then loneliness. I want to go home so badly right now. I've realized a lot since I've been here, and it's tearing me apart. First of all, my relationship with God was based on the church and my friends. I have no relationship with God completely within myself. And now I'm so lost because the people I'm around aren't my friends and they don't encourage me and I don't know what to do and it's just so freaking messed up. I want security. But I don't have that right now. It's this big mess. I hate it. I'm so depressed. I've cried like five times today. I have quiet times and don't feel God moving. It's awful. I'm such a worthless person. I thought I was good with God and then all of a sudden I find out that I was hiding behind all the supports of my friends and the church and when I'm out on my own the only thing I want to do is run back into the sin I got out of. I want to not care. It doesn't bother me when I don't have quiet times, when back home it did. But then I think maybe the reason it bothered me was because I had three or four people almost every day ask me how I was doing with God, and I didn't want to dissapoint THEM.. that it wasn't even about God. And that devastates me. I feel like I'm back at square one, and I don't want to be here. I thought I had matured so much when really I feel like I just got saved.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense.
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I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree ;) [Jun. 24th, 2004|12:03 pm]
[mood |enthralledenthralled]
[music |My Existence-Kevin Maxx]

I registered at Union University. That was stinkin awesome! I met so many genuinely NICE people! That hard to come by at times. God has really blessed me in my future attendance of this college. I ran into a girl who does the music news on a Christian rock show. She and a group of friends go to Christian concerts ALL the time, which was exactly what I was looking for; someone to go to concerts with. She invited me to go with them and also offered to help if I had any questions about college. Then, I met a senior there that told me she could get me a job waitressing. I was so worried about getting a job, and one just kinda plops in my lap. *looks toward the sky and gives a thumbs up* She also offered me advice about a lot of things, such as clepping and j-terms. I think I'm going to try both. She is graduating a semester early, so she has to know what she's talking about! Then, I met one of my roommates and we got along great! We both have an obsession with chocolate and cleanliness, so it's all good. I'm kinda worried that the other three (they met at the spring thing; me and this roommate registered later) have already bonded a little. LoL I doubt it. I'm always worrying about things.
So, God has blessed me above and beyond what I deserve. I have a group to go to concerts with, a mentor who can get me a job, and a roommate who isn't a mutant! Whoohoo!!
The downside is the classes. I'm really nervous. I have a Spanish class where the teacher basically only speaks Spanish. Aiyiyi. I made the mistake of telling them I went to Spanish 4 so they put me in an upper level class. Next time I'll keep my mouth shut... Then, I have Eng. Comp. I, College Life at Union (required), Introduction to Social Welfare, and...the other one escapes me. In total, I have 14 hours this term. Ah, the joys of academic excellence...I'm also planning on doing a j-term. It's going to be difficult, but I can do it.

I figured out what I'm going to do for my dorm room. I have so many pictures of people I'll want visible that won't be able to be in millions of frames, so instead I'm going to stick them up on one wall and cover the entire wall by spelling out 'Jesus'. I'm also going to put up christmas lights around the top of my room and I'm planning on stealing the TMNT comforter that I bought for my boyfriend that he doesn't use. He threw a big fit about it, but hey if he's not going to use it, I will =P
I'm a future college kid...I'm a future college kid...*does a little dance*
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Ashverbs [Jun. 13th, 2004|09:51 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

I was looking through some of my old writings and I found a few things that I wrote that can be related to proverbs:

>>Never approach passion young, for in the eldest of your years, recollection will welcome regrets.

>>To make grace imaginable, you must first gracefully imagine

>>Death by fashion=individuality

>>Living life behind a looking glass may produce serious risks to your health

>>Teenagers who experiment with sex/physicality will only get a lifetime's worth of disproven hypothesis

>>You know the world has become too complex when a person goes to a museum expecting a sculpture to perform

>> People smear smoke through their minds in an effort to cleanse it

*sigh* I miss creative writing class. There was nothing better than being ASSIGNED to write!
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Nails on the chalkboard of understanding [Jun. 10th, 2004|06:37 pm]
[mood |distresseddistressed]

Grrr.. sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right when it comes to relating to people. I end up hurting them or not understanding at all. I asked my best friend Jerica a couple of days ago if I'd changed significantly since I had been saved ( This July will make 3 years ) She smiled and said "Yes, definately". Sometimes, I don't feel that way. Besides the few details that practically anyone would notice, I just don't know what else has changed. I wish I didn't hurt so many people. I wish that I was the ONE person that could understand everyone. But I can't and it's heartbreaking. There is so much hurt and I don't know how to deal with it. And I'm going to be a social worker. This should be interesting..
Here's an example: you have someone who is hurting. I don't know where in the heck this person is coming from, but I want to help them anyway. I tell them what they should do. But if that person doesn't know me, it's not going to mean jack to him because I don't know where he's coming from. But what do you do when the people that are near him aren't saying anything? See what I mean..? I have a control issue. I'm a typical girl and it freaking S U C K S! But I have a big problem with just watching someone hurt and not doing anything about it, even if they don't know me. Am I right to do this, or would they be better being left alone???? *pulls hair out*

On a lighter note, I just ate an apple. But not just any ordinary apple...an apple that tastes like a grape...a 'Grapple'..trippy.. what will they come up with next?
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